NOT APPLE CO MATERIAL

You want this job, you want this job so bad, you do, and you have all the necessary experience, tops among all interviewees, and they need you, that much is clear, and you’ve answered every question, passed every test, the background checks, the social media review, psychology exam, but now comes the hardest part, it’s okay to be scared, this has felled many others, maybe some even better than you, but it must be done, you have to understand, we demand a better world, a righter world, a more colorful, inclusive world, and you’re white and male and heterosexual, and while it’s true that everyone is inherently biased, it’s more true that some are more biased than others, and so the employer has constructed this final test, no, you may not ask how we came to be in charge of this given that everyone is biased, that’s you’re first wrong answer, in fact, but as I was saying, we have fashioned this test, here, put on these goggles, you have now entered a new world, a world where you are black and fat and gay, no, don’t do anything, just be you, this new you, and tally all the forms of bias which you — as black and fat and gay — experience, oh, I’m afraid you were offended by less than 50% of the verifiable forms of bias set inside this world, we’ll need better, but don’t worry, your scores on all your previous tests were stellar, try this, we should have started with this one, you’re still white, still heterosexual, but now female, 3–2–1, no, I’m sorry, that was a hidden test, the person only looked female based on your pre-conceived values — which are inherently biased, never forget that — in fact, that person actually identifies as male, try harder with this last one, you can do it, we really want to hire the very best here at Apple Co, we have faith in you, don’t forget that, here, let me adjust the VR glasses for this last one, you are now a virtual you, ad you are happily working at Apple Co, contributing to our great company, and there, right there, in the post-launch meeting you chose that word — grit — when asked to describe how you met a rather intimidating deadline, see, but that’s wrong, you failed to understand how that word violates the very sensibilities of so many others here at Apple Co, meaning I’m afraid that we must say no, you’re just not Apple Co material.