Microsoft and the foo fighters. Where I thank Frank X Shaw for his gift.

Last week I wrote an ode to Frank X Shaw, Microsoft's Salieri:

I know what you're thinking. Corporate VP of Microsoft corporate communications. Fuck. Maybe picking on the poor kid all throughout high school made him develop some weird ass thing where he needs to get pummeled everyday.

Or, you might think: I almost wanted to fucking kill myself just saying his title. Corporate VP of Microsoft Corporate Communications. How could anyone possibly actually get the fuck out of bed each morning and work for Microsoft corporate communications?

I totally get that. 

Thing is, I've been following Mr X (@fxshaw) and, I think, it's at least possible, that he has fun doing what he does. Seriously. You may think that outside of being a lawyer, say, no job could possibly make you more eager to gouge out your eyes and puncture your ears than Microsoft corporate communications.

How does Mr Shaw repay me?

By writing an awesome blog post, as he's leaving the office for the weekend, on why the PC is here to stay and the "post PC" era does not exist.

Oh, fucking thank you, Microsoft!

Except, despite my praise, the man is a corporate communications officer. And extracting the truth from such is not easy. It's like the DMV in hell. No matter what they tell you, no matter what your number, you will be frustrated, you will never achieve satisfaction and you will wish for your death.

This will take all my powers -- and my personal Enigma machine to decode. Here goes:

In the past year, and again in the past few weeks, I’ve seen a resurgence of the term “post” applied to the PC in a number of stories including The Wall Street Journal, PC World and the Washington Post. Heck, I even mentioned it in my 30th anniversary of the PC post, noting that “PC plus” was a better term.

Translation: Everyone but Microsoft, even staid old media, has come to accept that the PC is dead.

Nothing draws more links and eyeballs than saying something is a foo-“killer” or that foo is “dead.” That’s human nature and part of the way we like our stories, simple and straightforward, black and white.

Translation: Or beige, as in the case of that PC gathering dust in your house.

A new thing shows up, kills the old thing, end of story. But in the world of technology, it’s rarely (but not never) that clear cut. Most of the time, in fact, new objects enhance and complement the things we’ve already got. They don’t replace them.

Translation: Those that do the "enhancing" and "complementing" wind up earing all the money. Microsoft will still be around. Just not making any new money.

This is especially true when the new product is more specialized than the existing product and most importantly, the existing product isn’t standing still.

Translation: Maybe if I try really hard, I can convince some poor fool that despite their own personal reality, that they are using their tablets and smartphones for less stuff and their PC for more stuff. There's 7 billion people in this world. Someone's got to believe this, right?

Translation: By "surrounded by" I mean: "surpassed".

These devices: eReaders, Tablets, Smartphones, Set top boxes, aren’t PC killers, but instead are complementary devices. They are each highly optimized to do a great job on a subset of things any PC can also do.

Translation: We will never put Office on a eReader or a smartphone. Or a tablet. Or a set-top box. 

Does that mean that taken together they do everything a PC can do? Absolutely not.

Translation: Yes.

Does it even mean that PCs are the new niche, only needed for special occasions? Absolutely not.

Translation: Yes.

Here are two simple reasons:

1. There are a set of important things that PCs do uniquely well, and they aren’t going away.
2. PCs are rapidly and dramatically getting better at doing the things those companions do.

Translation: I am lying. But please understand: I am paid to lie.

As human beings, we’re inherently social, and we use our tools to create, collaborate, communicate and consume.

Translation: Which is why the PC market is stagnant, at best, and the market for smartphones and tablets is booming.

Translation: All of which is now far better, easier, faster, more social, more location-based, more real-time -- more personal -- with smartphones and tablets.

Translation: Everyone at Microsoft really does believe that they will port Windows into everything everywhere. Yes, we actually believe that. I know. We are doomed.

Translation: Did I mention that everything not a PC is a "companion" to a PC? Oh, I did? Well, good. Then how come you're doing all that cloud stuff like stock quotes and sports scores on your smartphone?

Translation: Everyone at Microsoft is blind. Not stupid.

That’s not surprising, because they were expressly designed for that purpose. But even their most ardent admirers will not assert that they are as good as PCs at the first two verbs, create and collaborate. 

Translation: Everyone at Microsoft is stupid.

Translation: "One should." You other 7 billion ought to embrace the new world. The PC is dead.

Because creating and collaborating are two of the most basic human drives, and are central to the idea of the PC.  They move our culture, economy and world forward. You see their fingerprints in every laboratory, startup, classroom, and community.

Translation: You see them gathering dust in every laboratory, startup, classroom and community. Smartphones and tablets; that's the real action. That's how people collaborate now, with other people, data, services. Not on the PC.

Translation: And our hand to God, we'll deliver on that future. In 2018.

Translation: We are blind. And stupid. And doomed.

Translation: Remember. I'm paid to do this.